It is gray and cold and YUCKY outside, and I kind of feel that way, too. Yesterday, Heidi and the Gaertner kiddos returned to Jackson, driven by her parents. She asked the church staff and a few other friends to be there to greet her. I was honored that she asked our family to be among those waiting on her doorstep, but it was so hard. To see the beautiful home she has creatively, artistically decorated to be a haven for her husband and a place of gifted hospitality... filled with pictures and memories and reminders of Jeff and their life together... and then to see her enter that sacred place and try so hard to be strong when I could watch her face and know her heart was crumbling. It hurts so much. People keep saying to me, "You have gone through sudden loss recently. You'll be such a comfort to her." But I think that, because I have walked through that grief with my sweet mama, I just hurt more for Heidi. And all my hurt and emotions and tears just well so close to the surface that when I try to talk to her it's all right there, choking any comfort I might be able to give. She is so beautiful and strong and loving to her kids, but her heart is so broken. And though I wish I could just lift that burden and carry it for awhile, I can't.
So.... this morning, I was physically tired, and heart-weary. And I went to the bank in the cold snain, and Elisa said, "Mom, I have to go potty." There is a back stairway for employee use that I have been instructed several times to use for quick potty trips. This time, a customer service employee stopped me and said, "What do think you're doing?" I stepped back, shocked by her tone, and said, "I was just taking my toddler downstairs to the bathroom." And she answered, "Well, I don't know why you think you can go that way, but the bathrooms are upstairs, and that door is for employees only. Downstairs is a security area." I was so taken aback by the rude way she was talking to me that I just backed up and headed for the door. Another employee kindly stepped in and led us to the bathrooms - which, by the way, are downstairs. I'm not crazy. My emotions were still riding close to the surface (I think you women can understand that), so being "yelled" at by a stranger did not sit well with me. I think I normally would have just shaken it off, but I couldn't. So, as I ran my errands, I was mentally writing a letter to the bank to complain. But then, I decided such a response would serve no purpose other than to wrongfully avenge my unholy anger. I don't think I would honor God by venting my frustration in that way. Probably, humbly backing off was the best choice. However, I think I will stick with the drive-up from now on! It's funny how strong emotions feed strong emotions.
I wanted to share a few pictures from the wonderful week we had with Erik's parents before last Tuesday night's devastating news. We were thankful to have them here, and Erik and Doug enjoyed a great trip to the Dirty Devil River in Utah.
Erik at the Dirty Devil
Sadie bundled up. I think it was snaining then, too.
Riding on Grandma
Isn't she pretty?
Tongue out to catch snowflakes... or is it raindrops?
2 comments:
Hey Leeners - just a thought, but maybe Heidi needs somebody that she can be real with . Someone that has had a glimpse of the shock she and her kids are going through and is comfortable with walking through the muck with them. Maybe being a comfort to her is that you are able to cry with her and she doesn't have to be strong around you - it is okay for her to share her heartbreak with you - because you "get it." And maybe you are a comfort because you have recently gone through a similar situation. You are proof that if you continue living day by day and sometimes minute by minute and hour by hour that you can live with this enormous heartbreak and won't actually break from it yourself.
I love you and know that whatever you do will be a comfort to Heidi.
Can I also say that your girls are gorgeous!
Leeners - I can't tell you how your incident at the bank just makes me want to vent at customer service for you. I am sorry that someone found it necessary to be so abrupt and ridiculous towards you and your beautiful girls. People!
I know that your heart has really been trampled on - losing Jeff and now helping Heidi trying to cope. You don't have to have words of encouragement - she knows ever constant kindness is there for her and that you will let her cry or laugh without any judgment. I love you and I know that you love Heidi and their precious little ones and she knows that also.
Post a Comment